Sometimes, it is difficult to admit to yourself that the root cause of suffering may be within yourself. A lot of pain and stress I’ve been dealing with in my life has been self-inflicted. I lack forgiveness because I don’t forgive myself. I lack empathy because I don’t have empathy for myself.
Being aware that so many of the scenarios I believe about my own pain are not real.
Often, we find people come together because they share mishaps and miseries. That’s one of the fastest way of creating bonds with people. Trauma victims befriend other trauma victims, volatile personalities befriend other volatile personalities and so forth…
Sometimes, I recognize myself hold onto angers that keep me from being my best self. It keeps me from experiencing real forgiveness within myself and in turn, enabling me to forgive others as well.
However, even knowing that, it’s difficult to let go of anger because we are afraid letting go of it makes us foolish and leaves us unprotected. We feel unguarded, vulnerable. We literally feel like a bleed seal in ocean waters with a hungry great white shark nearby.
I constantly feel like I’m fighting joy and not allowing myself to be happy. It affects people around me, and definitely my own energy.
Being cool or being cold… I’ve never really been cool, but I can list plenty of times when I have been cold. Ice cold. And for what? What do I gain from draining my energy into being a soul deep freezer?
I’ve cut people off so bad I almost forget their names. Or that, at one point, we were even friends.
My mother used to call me the ice queen. She asked, “Why do you have to be so cold?’ And I said, “I don’t know….” I don’t know whether to just accept that as being a characteristic or emotional fail safe, or if it’s something I really need to work on.
Many times, people are not aware of how they affect you, whether it be positive or negative.
The mature thing to do, is to make them aware. The other protective mechanism many people use is to act like you never even crossed their path. I always opted for this one because it was easy. It was easy to block their phone number, erase all of our messages, and if I ever saw them on the street, walk right by them like a ghost. After all, it had been done to me.
If this is how people deal with their failures in human interactions, it can’t be that terrible to do the same, right?
I dismissed a friend of 14 years because of some indirect things she said about me on Facebook and when she confronted me about it, I tried to act like nothing was wrong. But she pressed and pressed until I spilled the truth.
For a long time, I never felt like I was wrong for severing ties with her (part of me still doesn’t). If I had brought the issues to her attention when they first came up instead of acting like I didn’t know this girl since I was 12 years old, we might still be friends. In essence, I was willing to lose a 14 year friendship because “I didn’t want to deal with it.”
I’m a walking, talking, breathing example of how peace love and light does not mean NOT dealing with situations with people you care about because they are somehow disrupting you. That’s ego. That’s narcissistic, even. There’s nothing cool about being self-absorbed. There’s no excuse to be mean, cold, condescending, elitist, or just outright spiteful.
It isn’t “protecting your heart” or “keeping your feelings safe”. It’s maniacal.
I have some maniacal tendencies. I admit these things to myself because I want to heal. I have to face these ugly truths about the parts of me that are not so pretty.
I’m not perfect, and I have to be ok with that. In fact, I have to fully accept that while I am navigating this human experience, I am going to make mistakes. I have to learn how to forgive myself in order to fully forgive others.
I have to release anger, fear, and loathing.
I am not anger. I am not fear. I am not any of the pain I’ve chosen to identify with. I am worthy of loving myself. I am worthy of accepting and embracing myself.
I’m not sharing this because I hope whoever reads this is encouraged to journey within themselves and work through their own darkness.
As I unpack and do away with “items” that do not serve me, I’m learning that I can’t identify with the emotions I may experience. I am not angry, even though I may feel anger. And angry for what?
What benefit comes from being angry? What benefit comes from loathing?
I’ve identified with these things for so long, they spill out onto people I love. It isn’t anyone’s responsibility to deal with my perceived emotions or insecurities. This is all self-work, self-realization, self-awareness, and self-correction.
If you feel like you want a change, but don’t know where or how to begin. I invite you to join me on this journey, share your feelings, and work on these things with me. Changes are not easy but take your first step today and connect with me.