We are going to talk about “I have a trust issues” and that’s a very serious thing if that’s what you have in a relationship. Because trust is a foundation. So how do we begin to mistrust? Mistrust or distrust happens in two different ways. So from this Chicago relationship expert are trust issues distrust or mistrust ?
Why We Don’t Trust
It’s the things that you bring into a relationship and the things that you acquire while you are in the relationship.
For instance, things that you bring into a relationship, it may be things from your childhood. Studies show if you’ve had an abandonment, heartbreak, or abuse, you learn in condition, to not trust people completely, so you bring that into a relationship. An ex-relationship where you’ve been hurt or experienced heartbreak, those will condition you to be more guarded and distrustful of relationships. Things that you’re taught- that would be gender prejudice. I call it gender prejudice because you are taught, “Don’t trust men”, “Don’t trust women”. They are prejudiced. And so those are the obvious things that you bring in, but what happens when you come into a relationship? We know that infidelity is obvious. You lose trust because of infidelity. But that’s not really what I want to focus on today.
I want to focus on 6 things that will cause you to lose trust. One of them is that you just don’t keep the promises.
And people make promises such as, “I’m going to do better”, “I’m going to change”, “I’m going to do things right” and people become weary of your promises. There is no effort to implement the things that you promise. 2 minutes after the makeup sex you are back to what you used to be. Your word isn’t true. You are not going to a therapy. You are not trying to do counseling. You are not even in prayer. So just know your lack of promises can build a person to not trust you in a relationship.
How trust is broken
When somebody tries, or may try to come, and talk to you about things that are not satisfied in a relationship, they pay a price for it. That’s a revenge for disagreeing. You make them pay for their voicing their complaints. So, the solution to that is you have to create a safe, humble space for your relationship, for it to grow, for them to critique and assess.
So that’s very important that you are approachable in a relationship. Another thing that brings distrust in a relationship is you talk too much.
There is no confidence in your relationship. You tell your mates business and they go into this deep inner self and share with you, and then you go take it and share it with someone who does not have the grace to love your mate the way that you love them. So what’s the solution? Shut your mouth. Be quiet. Please keep things in confidence. Build trust in that relationship.
Next is, you don’t own your issues. You won’t take responsibility.
When you do bad things, you will deflect. “You made me do it” – That’s an abusive language. You have to own what you’ve done. You have to humbly confess and repent and the solution is, make sure you are quick to repent and quick to change. Make sure it’s not a “I’m sorry” so you can shut up the conversation, but it’s “I apologize” because you are godly sorry and you are ready for a heart change.
How trust is broken: continues
Next thing is, you are disconnected in a relationship. If you are constantly busy, you are constantly distracted, you could be distracted on the phone or your technology- if your mate is not a priority. If you know how to turn off your emotions like a light switch, if there is a constant rejection in a bedroom, if a person cannot reach you, you are not attainable because you are so emotionally disconnected for whatever the reason, a person can’t trust you because they don’t know what’s going inside of you. They need to feel safe in your presence.
What’s the solution? You need to dare to care. Dare to care about your mate. You want to empathize with the needs of your mate, understand their love language, study your mate, understand their personality traits.
Be vulnerable in the relationship. Put your stuff down and give the person the quality time so they can feel safe, prioritized and loved. The final problem that breaks trust is because you have a character issues. You are inappropriate with the opposite sex. You have even gone so far as to be a cheater or a serial cheater. You constantly lie.
If a person cannot trust your word, if you are not a person of your word, then a person can’t trust you.
You become aggressive, moody, prideful – not all of these, but any of these will break trust. What’s the solution? You need to allow word of God to wash you, clean up your character and get you right- get you ready to show love. That’s not love. Get in line with the word of God. Get in line with what He requires for love. And that’s going to be what will bring you in your mate back together in your relationship full of trust. And that means full of love.
Message to singles!
If you are not in a relationship, it might be because you have trust issues; I just want to go down a list of some reasons of why you may not be in a relationship. The symptoms- what identifies that you do not trust – is this, you make a lot of unfounded accusations. You weary the person in your relationship because you just make a lot of false accusations. You will predict how a person will betray you before there is any evidence of distrust and they just become weary.
Another thing is you are a flaw seeker.
You put a microscope on their mistakes- every single thing like, “I would’ve liked them, we went on one date, but he chews just want some extra time on a salad.” Come on you all, that’s a flaw seeker. You are looking up for an excuse to get out of it. Why? Because you fear relationship. You fear the pain because you’ve been burned. You exaggerate a person’s mistakes. Everything is a breach of trust. Somebody is running late. “Oh, you lied. You a liar.” “Come on, I was running late because of a train.” Be able to realize that some of the stuff is not major. You major it on minor.
Next is, you’re impossible to please.
Usually those who are impossible to please, blame it on the Word of God; “Oh you’re this, oh you’re that, I need a Proverbs 31 woman.” With all of this kind of stuff, you appear self-righteous, unforgiving. What about all the stuff in the Bible? If you want to use the Bible, use the Bible and go straight over to the places where it tells you to love and forgive. Next, you hide behind on “waiting to be found”.
You know what that looks like? For some of you singles, “I’m waiting to be found looks like Rapunzel in a tower, without a ponytail.
So now you’re waiting for some man to climb up, make an impossible climb, to come and rescue you. At least buy a weave and let it hang down so a man can come get you. Next, you move too quickly. Everything is a rocketship romance, you go straight up, then you crash and burn. Next, you’re too busy- “I don’t have time”. Next, shallow relationships- you might be a deep thinker, but you just want to engage in shallow relationships. Why? Because you don’t want to share your inner self. Solutions: Deal with your wounds. Deal with your insecurities. And, you must learn to trust you.
How do get yourself out there?
First of all, you have to find out why aren’t you out there? What is holding you back? Is it fear? Is it just not making yourself available? Are you too busy? What is the cause of this or do you feel ‘I got the fish out there, nobody is biting’. There is a lot of different ways you can actually get attraction. If you don’t believe in it, or you don’t feel comfortable in social media, putting yourself up on online dating sites- the world is open to us now. We do it on Facebook. You might meet people that you’ve seen years ago, but the world is open.
What you have to do is make sure that, emotionally, you have not close yourself up. That when you are out in public you look like, I’m not talking about an advertising with boobs out all that kind of stuff, I’m talking about advertising with a pleasant inviting attitude, with a pleasant inviting look.
Don’t go to a grocery store looking popped. So that nobody wouldn’t dare to think about you. So what you have to do in all areas, is that you are marketing. You are a brand. Understand that you are a brand and make sure your brand is receptive to relationship, is conduce to a relationship, to attract a relationship, and then ask God if you are ready, so that you can attract who you are emotionally. That means you need to be emotionally healed to attract emotionally healed. You worked on yourself in the meantime and prepared yourself.